The Kodak Moment
by ChestnutFists
Summary: After Ranma faked the Pig Tail Girl's death, Kuno is in an uproar that will lead to absolute mayhem.


"It was a typical day in Furinkan… thought Ranma Saotome as he escorted his usually pissed off fiancée through the leave-laden court yard. It was an autumn Monday morning; cool, damp air set it like something foreboding was eminent. But other than the climate changes, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

"But Akane! You're being…"

"Can it, jerk off! You'll make me late AGAIN!"

"Well excuse me miss 'I'm too-good for anyone's help! You're as stubborn…"

"As a mule, but twice as ugly? How original, Ranma."

Akane dismissively went in ahead of him, leaving Ranma down by the schools steps. He thought about following after her, but before he could take another step he heard a loud commotion of girls shrieking and squawking about. Naturally, he assumed it was Happosai on an early start; but he turned around he saw his second-most despised pest, Kuno. This surprised Ranma, who hadn't heard a lick of Kuno for months… and not without reason.

"DATE WITH ME, YOU WENCHES! BEHOLD MY MANLY PROWESS! LOVE ME! LOVE ME! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kuno began swiftly lunging for the nearest pair of breasts in site. Saliva gushed from his lips like a rabid dog hovering over a raw steak. He may have been insane, but this was too far even for Happosai. This display of lechery nearly made Ranma too sick to intervene, but he could not help but blame himself in part for the mess at hand.

"Yo Kuno, shouldn't you be busy molesting the Kendo Club? I thought that whole pig-tail girl thing was a rouse personally"

"QUIET YOU! NEVER SPEAK HER NOBLE NAME HER NAME AGAIN! OH, WHAT IS IN A NAME THAT WE CALL A ROSE?"

"P-pp-pig tail.."

"DIE, YOU SCOUNDREL! I SHALL SEND YOU TO THE GRAVE AS WELL!"

Kuno, for the first time in history of forever, dawned a real metal katana from his sheathe and attacked Ranma at full swing.

"Oh shit!"

Ranma began dodging the slices in split-second timing. One little slip up would mean a possible missing limb or main-artery cut. Kuno may have been an over-the-edge half-witted maniac, but for his age he was the best swordsman Japan had to offer. Akane, who was already with her click, happened to have glanced out the window to see the potential murder of her future husband. She rushed outside.

"Kuno! Stop that! That's a REAL sword!"

"Akane! My Sweet!"

"An opening!"

Ranma took away his sword with lightning quickness, and without thought, began to senselessly beating Kuno to a pulp. Never it his entire life had Ranma gave anybody a beating. Over and over, the Chestnut Fists pounded his cranium, destroying what little brain cells Kuno had left. All the womanizing, the self-glorification, all the things Ranma couldn't stand about him took control of his fists until he heard his better half begging to reason.

"Ranma! You'll kill him! He got what he deserved, now stop it!"

Akane was right. Ranma stopped and walked away as if nothing had happened.

**CHAPTER 2**

Ranma was in his home room period, wishing that Akane would at least make eye contact with him when all of a sudden the intercom buzzed on…

"Aloha Mees Hinako! Can you send the little keke Ranma Saotome to da principle's office?"

"He's on his way. I wonder what he did this time?"

"Miss Hinako, may I ask that Akane could be excused too?"

"But he only requested you."

"I know, but you see, if I don't go down there with a witness, the 'big cohune' is going to try to pull one on me."

"A witness! Why would you need a witness? Ms. Tendo, do you know what he's talking about?"

"No idea, Ms. Hinako."

"Hmm. Then I suppose you must be making a move on, Mr. Saotome."

"But, but!"

"I said.. MOVE IT!"

Ranma walked begrudgingly down the hall. He knew that the principle wouldn't listen to his side of the story; and if Kuno was in half as bad of shape as he thought he left him, there'd be hell to pay.

"Stupid tomboy", thought Ranma as he entered the tropical-resort like office. He was met with out of tune ukulele strumming and a phony Hawaiian accent.

"Meester Saotome."

'Well I'm here. What do you want?"

"I am to understand that you got into a little quarrel with my keke Tachi, is that right?

"Hey, he drew a weapon on me. He was trying to kill me!"

"A kendo stick is no weapon, mon."

"It wasn't no stupid kendo stick! It was a really fucking sharp sword."

"I have these singed affidavits here that say you were being a very naughty keke."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"It says here that you were picking the ripe fruit of your female classmates, and then my little Tachi tried to intervene, but he was ambushed by you and five flying monkeys. It goes on to say that after assaulting my little Tachi, you be stealing gym shorts from da girl's locker room."

"That's the most bull shit thing I have ever heard. You made all of that up."

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't… But whatever big cohune says is true is true."

"Why you little!"

"Now, now, watch your temper. I could go the local authorities with this big fish, ya? But instead, I got bigger plans for you Meester Saotome."

"Bigger plans?"

"You see, budget cutbacks in the school made me have to let some school custodians go. So I thought a brand new idea to fix the problem of not having the school turn to a sty, mon! Have the bad kekes do it! Starting today, Meester Saotome, you'll be the new groundskeeper of Furinkan High!"

"I WHAT?"

"You heard me. You're new duty is to make sure the whole school is spick and span. That means everything! Coutyard, ball fields, hallways, classrooms, bathrooms, my massage parlor…"

"YOUR WHAT?"

"Ah, forget that last thing."

"And what makes you think I'm going to go along with all this?"

"Because if you don't, I'll file a little police report for battery. Perfect thing for a young martial artists career. MUHAHAHA!"

**CHAPTER 3 **

After the final bell, he was forced to stay at school until nightfall. Just cleaning the girl's bathroom alone was more work than a weeks work of training. He couldn't figure out why the girl's bathroom was messier because he was always clean. He hated dirt and grime, and even more, he hated the Kuno Family which was comparable to the former. When he finally finished, around nine at night, he heard a familiar voice. Hoping it would be Akane, he surmised Ukyo waving with a take out order of okonomyaki made especially for him.

"Hey Ran-Chan! You must be hungry after a long day's of work."

"Boy, am I glad to see you. Thanks for coming! Hey, why don't we go sit down on that bench over there. I've been on my feet all day."

"Y-you want me to sit down with you? Ohhhh Ranma…"

"On second thought, bench is too far."

Like a ninja, Ranma took the okonomyaki and devoured it whole. Ukyo giggled.

"Ranma, you're such a pig!"

"Sorry, I missed breakfast and lunch today."

"Don't be sorry. I heard what happened to you."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't have taken shit from that jackass Kuno! I would've done worse to him if it were me doing the lesson planning!"

"I sent him to the hospital. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, but everything's rumored."

"What are they saying"

"It doesn't matter. I just can't believe they stuck you with this for putting that pervert where he belongs."

"That's Furinkan justice for you."

"I wish their was someway we could get back at him."

"Hey, he's in the hospital. He's learned he lesson. He will wake up and realize he was out of order and snap back to his old crush on that tomboy Akane!"

"What do you mean by 'wake up'?"

"Oh, nothing."

"So how are things with you and Akane?"

Meanwhile, Akane lurks from afar with a covered dish of Kasumi's home cooked dinner for Ranma, but stops to eavesdrop upon seeing Ukyo.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, earlier in homeroom she wouldn't defend you as a witness, and well, it just seems like you two have been fighting a lot recently."

"We're ALWAYS fighting! I never hear the end of it. Sometimes I wish I had never met her because of all the stress she brings!

Upon hearing this, Akane drops the plate and runs off crying, not being noticed by Ukyo or Ranma.

…but, the times I spend with her make up for all the needless arguments… Sorry. I'm talking too much. Here, here's fifty yen for the grub. Let's call it a delivery tip."

"Ranma, I had no idea…"

When Ranma got home, it was the usual nightcap for the Tendo family. Everyone was watching television in the living room - all, except for Akane.

"Where's Akane?"

"She went to bed", said Kasumi.

"That was quite a show you put on earlier, Ranma. You nearly killed Kuno baby", Nabiki chimed.

"He shouldn't have been going around grabbing you know what. I can't stand guys like him! They give good, honest guys a bad rep!"

"As if you're one those good guys, eh?"

"I ain't saying that, am I?"

"I just wonder what could have made Kuno snap all of sudden. I mean his maybe as horny as a puppy, but he's never gone around humping legs before. I remember, it had something to do with the death of his lover?"

"Death of his lover?" questioned Soun. "He only has two lovers, and Akane's alive.. So that means…"

Soun and Genma begin dancing around Ranma and singing in unison:

"For he's a real man again, for he's a real man again… now time for wedding plans!"

"Now show me the cure or else I'll kill you boy!", ordered Genma.

"You got it all wrong!", said Nabiki, who then splashed cold water on Ranma to demonstrate that he still has his curse.

"_What did you do that for, you bitch! Now I'm all wet!"_

"I don't get it. What does all this mean for Kuno?" asked Genma.

"_It means Kuno thinks I'm dead because I faked my death in this form, stupid."_

"YOU DID WHAT! YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT BOY"

"_It's a long story…"_

"THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER HEARD. AHAHAHAHA! I CAN SEE IT NOW, HIM GETTING ALL SAPPY BECAUSE HE THINKS HIS BELOVED PIG-TAIL GIRL IS DEAD! AHAHEHEHOHOHO! HE WAS PROBABLY ALL LIKE, 'NEVER SPEAK HER NOBLE NAME HER NAME AGAIN! OH, WHAT IS IN A NAME THAT WE CALL A ROSE**'. **HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Mr. Saotome! " said Kasumi.

"What? The boy deserves an Oscar for that one. No! A Nobel Prize for coming up with the idea! HAHAHA!"

Ranma kicks his father in the face.

"_I'm going to bed."_

**CHAPTER 4**

The next morning, Ranma had awoken to find Akane left for school already. He quickly slipped on his shoes to rush after her when Soun spoke:

"Son, you're not late. Akane just left early. She said she had some something she needed to do before school. Come and have breakfast with us."

"No can do", he said as he rushed out of the Tendo household.

"Ranma refusing food? He must have really pissed off Akane", said Nabiki.

Ranma looked everywhere for Akane. He even went to Ukyo's, which was closed, to see if she had tried to start something with Ukyo. Finally, he gave up and decided to grab a bite before he had to be at school. On his way down to the sushi stand, something caught his eye. A group of girls from a nearby high school had set up a podium and were handing out flyers that read, "STOP SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN SCHOOLS". "These girls would just love guys like Kuno and Ryoga", Ranma thought to himself as he proceeded to buy his sushi rolls.

He showed up to school on time that day only to see the unimaginable: Kuno among the living!

"You fiend! You thought you'd see that last me, but you had mistaken! And I'll see to it that will be your final mistake!

"Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?"

"Fool! Do you think the confines of that wretched place can hold my manly prowess?"

Ranma poked him with the slightest touch and the rest of Kuno's bones shattered.

"Manly prowess all right…"

"Tachi, you supposed to be faking da coma so I can blackmail the bad little keke!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT. I'M OUTTA' HERE!"

"Make sure you stay after school. If not, it's bye-bye Meester Saotome!"

After school, instead of staying he decided enough was enough. He remembered the girls passing out flyers and decided to go have a talk with them. He walked down to where he'd seen them earlier, and sure enough, they'd grown in numbers since morning.

"Are we going to let those dirty, pig-headed, macho boys take advantage of us?", asked the leader through a megaphone.

"Hell no!"

"That's right, girls!"

Ranma slyly approached the ring leader; an attractive young girl with long black hair.

"Are you lost or something?"

"I was wondering… This may sound weird since I'm a guy and all, but I wanted to help you guys fight against, err, um, sexual harassment."

"The subway station is that way!"

"I don't want directions! I want to know if I can go out…"

"Go out with me"

"No. I'm trying to say that I want to help you guys!"

"Well, weren't not guys, and unless you're gay you totally look like an idiot now."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are you gay?"

"No! What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Hey ladies, give him the Casanova treatment."

The girls beat the shit out of Ranma by stomping on him and kicking him. When they finished, they left him in a trashcan behind Ukyo's.

"This… isn't… over."

As Ukyo went to take out her trash, she discovered Ranma bruised and half-conscience.

"Ranma honey, what happened to you?"

"Cats got me."

She invited him in, and gave him something to eat. Ranma sat at the counter with a tired look in his eye.

"I wish there was I way I can get through to them."

"I think you approached them in the wrong way, Ranma honey. Maybe if you would have told them your story, they would've listened."

"It's no use… I'm just tired of having to deal with perverts everyday, only to be beat up and be made fun of for supposedly being what I stand against. It gets old. Happosai steals panties on one day, Kuno fondles my breasts the next day. That's why I faked the pig-tail girl's death."

"You faked your own death?"

"Kuno thinks that the female me is dead and gone. I had to do it. It was the only way it make it stop."

"That doesn't seems very brave…"

"YOU TRY BEING MOLESTED BY THAT IDIOT ON A DAILY BASIS! IT HAUNTS YOU IN YOUR DREAMS, I TELL YOU! I KNOW WHY THOSE GIRLS OUT THERE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME, AND YET I DO NOT RESENT THEM BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE KUNO!"

"If you feel that way, maybe you should join them."

"Duh! I already tried that!'

"But you were a boy then."

"Hey wait a minute! You're right U-Chan!"

**CHAPTER 5**

Ranma changed into his female form, and then borrowed Ukyo's spare school uniform to 'infiltrate' the protesting girls. Upon seeing how bruised and beaten Ranma looked, they all stopped their demonstration in concern to give attention to Ranma; surrounding him to try to help his wounds.

"You poor girl.."

"Who on earth did this to you?"

"I bet you it was the whole football team. Normal men don't hit this hard."

"_It was Tatewaki Kuno, his dad did, and their evil grandpa Happosai this to me. They all wanted me, but I told them no and ran away, but they just wouldn't stop! Oh the horror! The pain!"_

"You know what you do girls? Get three nooses!"

"_Nooses?"_

"Yeah, we're going to teach those guys a lesson."

"_You're not really doing to hang people are you?'_

"Silly girl, all we be explained in time. We must teach our new sister here wisely. What is your name, sister?"

"_My name is… Ranko."_

Meanwhile back at Furinkan, The Principle stood furiously outside the girl's locker room waiting for Ranma to begin his duties.

"Where is dat keke? Da whole girl's locker room is flooding! He need to be on da plumbing duty!"

"I told you that miscreant Saotome wouldn't show. Allow me to fix it, father."

"Tachi, you and I both know who just going to have your midget ninja do it for you."

Water begins spewing out of the doorway.

"My precious floor! No I must stop it!"

"Let me father!"

The Principle knocked him down and rushed into the girls lockerroom right as Ranma and the feminists turned the corner.

"Soak up the water, mon."

"_He went in to the girls lockerroom! Get him!"_

They trampled over Kuno and follow the Principle, only to find him using girl's gym shorts to plug up the floor drain and mistake him for stealing underwear.

"Look! He caused this flood so he can steal gym shorts! Let go of 'em, sicko!"

"He's just as sick as his old man!"

"Papa Tachi?"

The feminine force mowed over the Wakawaki as he received several 'Hawaiian' punches. Ranma didn't feel the need to join in; he just sat back and enjoyed the scene that he had created.

"_Sisters, make sure you hit him real hard for me, okay? I'm too sore to teach that womanizing pig a lesson."_

"I'm loving every minute of this", he actually thought.

That all changed when the staggered and frail voice of Kuno bellowed in from afar:

"I KNOW that VOICE! My love, noblest love, is it really you? Where art thou pig tail girl!"

Ranma began to panic thinking, "oh god, what do I do? what do I do", when he thought of what Genma would do in a time like this.

"_Eek! A rapist!"_

"Where?"

"Where?"

This brought Kuno to their attention, and they dealt with him in an even worse manner they did his father. They knew him all too well; all his crimes and missteps he'd taken with women in the past. They caught up with him as they nearly drowned him on the flooding floors. Afterwards, the girls tied them up and dragged them outside under the flag pole. They then strung them up by their underwear on ropes and left them to hang-ten with mega-wedgies. Though they broke their spirits and several of their ribs, the Kuno's remained coherent enough for a music recital. In fact, they let Wakawaki have his ukulele - that is, after they broke it of course.

"A-wheem-ma-whup, a-wheem-ma-whup."

"In da jungle, da mighty jungle, big cohune sleeps tonight."

**CHAPTER 6**

Even tough justice had at last landed blows on Furinkan's hierarchy, Ranma had a score to settle with another nemesis - Happosai. He knew that this was his only chance he'd have a full platoon under his command with plenty of reinforcements to spare. Happosai hadn't done anything to him recently, but he could not let the opportunity go to strike.

They found the old lecher just a few blocks from an all-women's spa. He was loaded to the brim with bathing suits and undergarments.

"What a haul! What a haul!"

The ancient martial arts master turned his head and saw the women from the spa clad in bathrobes and towels chasing him.

"You can catch me! And ooh! Your towel slipped, eh eh!"

He picks up when pace when he is ambushed by Ranma and his wall of pissed of girls.

"_Going somewhere, old fart?_

"Ranma!"

"Isn't he talking about that guy from earlier?

"Yeah, where is he so we can give him another go."

"_Ranma? What's a Ranma?"_

"I'll tell you who Ranma is!", barked Happosai.

Ranma kicks Happosai into the group of women from the spa.

"Nice shot, sister!"

"_Heh-heh, thanks."_

"I'm glad that snot-nose, ugly, insensitive Ranma Saotome didn't show up to rescue the old goat."

"Yeah! Isn't he supposed to be his master!"

"Maybe that's why he's such an asshole."

"Yeah, totally. What a lousy disciple to not defend his own master."

"Yeah! Pervert or not, you stick up for your masters. And he thinks he's some martial artist!"

"What do you think, Ranko?"

"_Me?"_

"Don't you just hate guys like Ranma Saotome?"

"_I don't know. I've never.. met the guy!_

"He's that karate bum kid who goes walking around school wearing that tacky ass Chinese clothing!"

"You know, Akane Tendo's fiancée."

"Uck, what horrible taste."

Akane had completely slipped Ranma's mind. All the fun of getting revenge had made him forget that Akane had probably heard what he said to Ukyo the night before.

"She should just go with that backpack guy! He's soooo dreamy!"

"_Ryoga?"_

"You know him? Isn't he just a hunk?"

"_Uhhh.. He's just like Ranm…."_

"No wait" thought Ranma, "I wasn't about to compare myself to Ryoga, was I?" And out of nowhere, the pig-man himself showed up, diving at Ranma with his umbrella of doom.

"Don't you dare say that I'm anything like you, Ranma!"

But before the massive weight of the rain-deflector could strike, Ryoga was swatted out of the air by numerous spontaneously-generated mallets.

"Who are you to pick on an innocent girl like Ranko?"

"Your 'innocent' sister Ranko here is nothing more than an imposter! Feat your eyes!"

Ryoga remorselessly doused Ranma with a kettle of hot water, sealing his fate at the hands of crazed feminists.

"It's him! Look! It's Ranma Saotome!"

"He was using hair dye and make up to fool us!"

"Not only is he a womanizer, he's a cross dresser too! Sick!"

"That's right girls! You're friend was nothing more than your enemy is disguise! Aren't you glad your hero Ryoga Hibiki was here to save you from him? Now allow me to take care of him, and when I'm done, you can argue amongst yourselves who gets the first date with me."

"They're both pigs! Let's get them!"

**EPILOGUE**

The next morning, the entire student body of Furinkan stood laughing at the defeated 'perverts' who had been strung up by their underwear. Though Principle Kuno, Tatewaki, Happosai, "P-Chan" (since it had rained), and Ranma were not a group that particularly got along with each other, in the face of defeat they had finally turned from foes to friends… at least for the moment.

"It's a Kodak moment", Ukyo joked to Akane.

"I want to thank you again, Ukyo, for helping me set all this up. Those guys needed to be taught a good lesson."

"It was no biggie. Ranma was acting kind of like a jerk anyways…. So what now? Do we get them down from there?"

"Hey… What's my baby doing up there?"

"You mean Ranma?"

Akane pulled P-Chan out of Ryoga's suspended underwear.

"No, I mean P-Chan! Poor little baby… How did you get mixed up with all these bad men?"

"_Gee, I wonder"_

And at that moment, Kuno became conscience…

"PIG-TAILED GIRL!"


End file.
